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      Twitter @Fesshole 🧻
    • It was only in the autumn of 2022 that I realised that Liz Truss wasn't the author of 'Eats, Shoots, and Leaves'.
    • As a child in the 80s, I once drove a Sinclair C5 at a local fair. Not allowed to press the accelerator button and told to only use the pedals, I therefore pressed the accelerator button, lost control within seconds, drove through a family's picnic and crashed into a tree.
    • My partner is vegetarian and when she annoys me I shout "pork chops" at her phone I the hope she gets targeted with ads.
    • Re Amazing news!Listen, Jenny… 😡🗯: ANON OPIN IS BACK, BABY!Thank you to the mysterious Twitter admin who sorted this out.THANKS @TwitterSupport Normal publishing will resume shortly.
    • I recently signed up to a site for married people looking for affairs. I'm single but it works so much better than dating apps and if I can't be arsed to see them again or to meet because I'm watching football I blame my imaginary wife. Why didn't I discover this sooner?
    • When I moved out of home I discovered electric kettles turn themselves off when the water boils. For the previous 19 years my parents had a partially broken kettle that heated the water fine but required a child/teenager to promptly turn it off when it got to boiling!
    • Add your confession to the form:Maybe you did something illegal with a wireless usb mouse?>> Sponsored by @hebtroco http://bit.ly/fessholeform
    • When my son was little we would often shower together. One time he was staring at my penis and said "it's so big". To this day it's one of my proudest moments as a parent.
    • Recently tried to start a convo with a woman in a pub. She immediately told me there was no chance of anything happening between us. Didn't have the heart to tell her I'm gay and I let her have the ego boost. Only wanted to know if her cocktail was any good.
    • I love that my husband does most of the bedtime reading with our young son, but he keeps trying to do voices for all of the characters like a professional audiobook. He's terrible with accents and I'm slowly losing all respect for him.
    • I've recently got in to a train driving sim on my PC. When another train goes past I look to check my wife isn't watching at the door then give the other driver a little wave.
    • When someone in a company branded van drives like a dickhead, I leave the company a 1 star review on Google. My most recent victim was a local locksmith who was doing 85mph right up my arse, flashing me.
    • While moving-out of our former marital home, I discovered a large carrier bag at the back of a cupboard containing all the collected fluff that my ex-wife ever combed out of our two cats. Conclusive proof – if ever I needed it – that she was indeed bat-shit crazy.
    • I once got my annual salary paid in 1 month. No one contacted me from our wages dept. I emailed them a few days later but put a comma rather than a dot in the address so it would fail to send & so I'd have proof I'd told them. That was 8 yrs ago, no one's ever contacted me.
    • When farewell cards were passed around the office I used to use a different pen and write messages from made up people with confounding messages. 'Bye John - I'll never forget our late night nude chess games. Love, Brian'.
    • My wonderful partner of 30 years uses the bread knife the carve meat it drives my fucking insane
    • I've moved in with my girlfriend of 4 months. She has a box of her childhood teeth. Well, she says they're hers but there are 5 canines in there. Time to leave
    • Noticed a tiny black hair protruding from my nipple while breastfeeding. Intended to pluck it but always forget about it until the next time I feed. It's now over an inch long & makes an excellent baby moustache. Use the other boob when bf is around so I don't freak him out.
    • My partner thinks I'm obsessed with trees because I'm always staring at them but as a kid I used to focus on a tree and ask a question in my head. The movement of left or right would be my answer. It's become such a habit I'm 55 and still do it like the trees are psychic.
    • In my experimental years of puberty I built and used a vibrating sex toy made out of LEGO.
  • I shave with my dog's clippers. They cost five times the price of the ones I was using before, and they can cut through his thick fur so they make light work of my sorry excuse for a beard.
  • Eye Candy News
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  • McConnell Endorses Electoral Count Overhaul, Lifting Chances of Enactment Tue, 27 Sep 2022 22:44:22 +0000The Republican leader’s backing enhanced prospects for legislation drafted to prevent a repeat of the Jan. 6 assault, when rioters tried to pressure the vice president to overturn the election.
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  • Doug Mastriano Said in 2019 That His Pennsylvania Bill Would Treat Abortions as Murder Tue, 27 Sep 2022 20:57:04 +0000As a Pennsylvania senator, Doug Mastriano, now running for governor, pushed a bill to limit abortion. He indicated that women violating it should be treated as murderers.
  • Fact-Checking a GOP Attack Ad That Blames a Democrat for Inflation Tue, 27 Sep 2022 20:17:03 +0000Representative Dina Titus of Nevada has been targeted by congressional Republican leaders in their quest to win control of the House.
  • Roger Stone Promoted Violence, Then Sought Pardon After Jan. 6, Evidence Shows Wed, 28 Sep 2022 00:41:31 +0000The texts from Mr. Stone are among the evidence expected to be presented at the House investigative committee’s next hearing, which was postponed because of Hurricane Ian.
  • Submarine Spy Couple Enters Guilty Plea, Again Tue, 27 Sep 2022 19:10:38 +0000After a federal judge threw out Jonathan and Diana Toebbe’s previous deal, the Maryland couple agreed to the possibility of a longer prison sentence.